Mason Says

Fellas, sometimes you need to go the extra mile. This past weekend, Mrs. Jamal and I were invited to her friend's birthday soiree at a posh restaurant, where we joined dinner guests resembling a mini-United Nations gathering. Nothing like a little diversity with your dining. Although the restaurant, itself, was trying a tad too hard to be hip, I was nonetheless impressed by the experience and the guest of honor's husband who arranged the affair. The atmospherics were sexy, the food was fantastic (minus the soup), and the conversation was the icing on the cake. And I'm not the husband, who goes to these things without kicking and screaming. But this time, I have to say that I had a very enjoyable time.

I thought to myself, this is how you do it. Every man, with the resources, should have the style, substance and sensibilities to pull this off when planning a birthday dinner -whether it's for two or twenty. It's not unreasonable. You see, this is less about what TO DO and much more about what NOT to do. Let me run down Mason Jamal's "hell to the nah" checklist for planning a memorable birthday dinner.
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Continued:
1.) If you have a Cheesecake Factory in your vicinity, resist. Your criteria should include places that take reservations. Camping out for two hours in the standing room only bar or, worse, on the mall floor outside the restaurant to get a birthday table is not a good start to the evening.

2.) Speaking of Cheesecake Factory, any place featuring a menu that's extensive enough to require chapters and crass enough to sell advertising space is a problem. It's a sign of culinary attention deficit disorder. There is no quicker way to a mediocre dining experience than to pick a restaurant that tries to please everyone. Mi abuleo taught me that a long time ago. And if she really wants a piece of their cheesecake, stop by afterwards for desert when the dinner crowd has thinned out. Thank me later.

3.) What I'm really saying is, avoid the chain restaurants. Just because it doesn't have a drive-thru and two pull up windows with people working it, who can't figure out their ass from their face, let alone your order, doesn't mean it's acceptable. If for some unimaginable reason you're not sure if it's a chain or not, ask yourself if there is a Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy or a full scale shopping mall on the adjacent corner. Another indicator is whether or not the wait staff is encouraged to wear hats and/or visible suspenders. If so, that's a deal breaker.

4.) If you do end up at a chain, such as an Applebee's or Fridays, let me give you a suggestion. Do Not. I said Do Not share the birthday news with the wait staff. This isn't good for anybody. No one wants this. The wait staff doesn't want it. Your girlfriend/wife doesn't want it. And the other diners, trust me, definitely don't want it. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. No one wants to see and hear the spectacle of waiters and waitresses parading over to your table, singing an off-key rendition of Happy Birthday, while obnoxiously slamming their serving trays together, only to have a third of them roll their eyes, as they walk away sheepishly after that embarrassing (chain) restaurant ritual. In fact, during the aforementioned birthday dinner I attended this weekend, Happy Birthday wasn't even sung at all. I like that. Maybe it's me, but every time I'm roped into singing happy birthday, especially in public, I can't look at myself in the mirror for at least two hours.

5.) This would be a good time to suggest, that for the birthday dinner, your best bet is to escape the suburbs also known as the land of potato skins, as quickly as possible. Yes, I know. We all love good potato skins with a sheet of sour cream on top. But let's find something a little more flavorful and less artery-clogging for the birthday. Along those lines, fried macaroni balls aren't exactly the appetizers of champions nor a female aphrodisiac. Men may be ready to 'bump uglies' after two drafts and some fried macaroni balls, but not women (not on their birthday).

6.) Be sure you choose a place that is known for great service. Once again, chain restaurants will be low on that list. If you're anything like my father circa 1983, from whom I get it honest, you don't want to risk embarrassing the guest of honor and any other friends or family by unnecessarily suggesting that race might be a factor for bad service. There are only two cards you should ever brandish for a successful birthday dinner. One is the birthday card and the second is the credit card. Keep the race card in your pocket.

So there you have it - Mason Jamal's "hell to the nah" birthday checklist. Follow this simple guidance and you can't go wrong. Keep it classy fellas. One.


The Takeaways:
1.) I'm not saying that you have to take her to a five-star rated restaurant for her birthday, but I am saying that you should avoid any place that serves burgers with five layers of different cheese.

2.) Not sure where to find a great restaurant off the beaten path? Ask a friend or co-worker or, even better, find an online guide complete with reviews, menus and prices.



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