Mason Says

In keeping with the year-end tradition of popular culture, I decided that I too will do a best of 2009 list. My first instinct was to locate the past 12 months in my rear view mirror and keep it moving. But after several days of contemplation, I decided to entertain myself, and hopefully others, by rolling out my top ten takeaways for the year-that-was at Mason Says. Click Here to See the List

Note: the list is ordered from oldest to most recent.

1. Lesbian sightings are not the same as UFO sightings. You should act like you've seen one before because you have. Color commentary isn't required nor requested.
from "Memo to Men About Lesbians"


2. Don't date anyone who chooses to re-name herself after a drink. Right there, that eliminates one third of the stripper population. I know they are deserving of love too but use your head.
from Domestic Violence Attire...Way to Go America


3. Never wear anything that glitters - regardless of your sexual orientation. That is a clear and present danger to your ability to refer to yourself as a grown man, not even if it's a Halloween party and you decide to roll as Rick James. Not a good look.
from "Memo to Men About Dance Competitions"


4. When you find yourself at a wedding reception or a company holiday party and you hear "I Feel Good" by James Brown, you resist the urge to dance no matter how hard it may be. Sit down and remain seated for the duration of the song. Just do it. No one in the last 25 years, including James Brown himself in his later years, has ever walked away from that experience looking respectable. Granted, it has an infectious sound but trying to dance to it is not a good idea. For some reason, it makes every man want to do some ill-advised one-legged floor slide. Yeah, you know the one. If you watched that clip, you saw that it only took Michael Irvin 17 seconds before he went there. Don't tempt yourself.
also from "Memo to Men About Dance Competitions"


5. If your wife or girlfriend says "I like your tighty whities", you should think about replacing her too while you're out shopping for your new fitted boxers. Any woman, who finds herself even remotely aroused when you emerge from the bathroom in your man panties, has clearly taken unconditional love too far. You want someone who has both standards and style, as she should want in you. from
from "Man in the Land Down Under (Part One)"


6. Principles are like penises. All men should have both, because a man who doesn't stand against anything will fall for everything.
from "Commerce of the Heart. Don't Get Taken"


7. Men don't care about breast size nearly as much as women, themselves, care about breast size. Frankly, the only size that we really obsess about is our own, ironically, thanks to women.
from "Why Bigger Isn't Always Better"


8. What I'm really saying is, avoid the chain restaurants (for her birthday). Just because it doesn't have a drive-thru with people working it, who can't figure out their ass from their face, let alone your order, doesn't mean it's acceptable. If for some unimaginable reason you're not sure if it's a chain or not, ask yourself if there is a Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy or a full scale shopping mall on the adjacent corner. Another indicator is whether or not the wait staff is encouraged to wear hats and/or visible suspenders. If so, that's a deal breaker.
from "Appleplease! Do Not Take Her There For Her Birthday"


9. The metro-savvy man never wears a suit with more than three buttons and really prefers two. He's also too busy to explain it because he has moves to make; outpacing his 5 button suit wearing competitor, who's busy still buttoning his coat. The metro-savvy man will stop for a second, however, to share with his shorter brethren that the fewer buttons a jacket has the longer the lapels, which make one look less vertically challenged. Conversely, he will tell Big Pimpin' that the more buttons a suit has the more you're at risk of being confused as a replacement member of The Whispers.
from "Five Things About Metro-Savvy Men"

10. The Bush administration was comprised of well educated idiots. And the Obama administration is coming dangerously close to crashing through that thin ice of White House idiocy themselves. For the last time, terrorists don't wear bow ties. In fact, the daily intelligence reports should show that they don't sport any neck wear. When was the last time we've seen an ascot-wearing terrorist? Exactly. Scratch those cats off the watch-list.
from "Real Terrorists Don't Wear Bow Ties"





We'll see what next year brings. One