Editor's Note: This post is also live at Black Voices.
We all have issues we wrestle with. Warranted or not, some of us try to charge it to our parents or some other factor in our childhood. But try as we may, sometimes, we simply can't. There are times when we own the issues outright. The titles are in our names – no co-signers. Whether it's a fender bender or a full-on emotional car wreck, ultimately we're the ones behind the wheel and we have to take responsibility for our issues and behavior. I say all that to say – real talk – what's up with grown men wanting grown women to call them "daddy" and, accordingly, what's up with the women who go along with it? This is a psychological doctoral dissertation waiting to happen. For my purposes, the question recently surfaced thanks to Usher's new single, "Hey Daddy", now in heavy rotation.
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Continued: The song, itself, I somewhat like – the music and melody at least. If it were only sung in Portuguese or French, with no available translation, I might be okay. But unfortunately, more often than not, lyrics that we can understand tend to cheapen the experience of listening to music. It's the hazard of popular culture – shallowness. And this song would be exhibit A. With words that include the following, it's hard for me not to scratch my head: "you know your daddy's home and it's time to play.... poke it on out, poke it out right there, I'm a fall back while you work that chair ". Something about the reference to "daddy" in a sexual context strikes me, for the lack of a better word, as nasty. And I don't mean that "ooh, you so nasty" type of nasty. I mean that crossing the line type of nasty that makes a woman say "n!gg@ you nasty, get the hell out of my house!"
Maybe it's me. Maybe, I'm the one who doesn't get it, but I just can't warm up to the dirty daddy talk. I understand that in most cases, it's just that – talk or sexual theatre, as it were. However, let's not pretend that all of it is simply lyrical when we know, unfortunately, in some cases, it's literal. Can anyone say "to catch a predator"? See, what women need to know is any man who inquires to "who's your daddy" and he really isn't your daddy should be treated as a yellow traffic light – proceed with caution.
Personally, I'm just not on that Eve's Bayou sh*t or anything remotely close to it. If Mrs. Jamal was into it, I would have told her I'm going to "ease by you" and keep looking for someone who doesn't have daddy issues. Actually, I presume that most women, who enjoy the daddy talk, are not really thinking about it in a genealogical type of way. At the same time, you can't help but wonder if there are some latent issues from some of their childhoods that still linger in their sub-conscious minds about an absentee father or something. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. Either way, call me lazy if you want, but I prefer relationships that don't require psycho-analysis.
And, to be sure, this isn't just a black thing. This cuts across cultural lines – evidenced by the popular use of the word "papi" among Latinos. But regardless of race or ethnicity, the problem is rooted with the men. A lot of these guys are suffering from what I call daddy envy, or the displaced fatherhood syndrome. Sexually, it plays out in the minds of men without children, particularly those without daughters – hell, perhaps those without fathers of their own. He wants to feel needed in that paternal type of way so, inexplicably, he begins to see the woman in his bed as a two for one. Then again, it's totally possible that the waters don't run that deep. Maybe some people, men and women, just like the way it sounds. If so, more power to them, I guess.
Men with children, on the other hand, are also capable of going there but far less likely to. Those, who are involved in the lives of their children, get more than their fill of daddy requests. As with moms, it can take a toll. The last thing we want to hear after a long day is a woman, caught up in the moment, telling us to "work it daddy"! Yeah, that's not doing it for me for a variety of reasons.
As for Usher, I'm not sure he knows any better. He's just following in the footsteps of other male artists who've gotten a little reckless with the daddy talk. It was just last year that radio was blaring a song by Twista featuring a young female voice cooing the words "I'm calling you daddy, can you be my daddy, I need a daddy". But don't stop there. Rewind the tape all the way back to 1961 and we find a little known group of dirty old men called Shep and the Limelites performing a well known classic titled "Daddy's Home". Exactly; this thing cuts across generational lines as well. And I did my due diligence by checking the lyrics. Shep, indeed, was not singing to his daughter. I'm reminded of the old man, who always had a pocket full of candy, back in the day and no grown folk, for miles, trusted him. Usher, on the other hand, is harmless and a bit clueless at times I suspect. Last month, he was on the radio pathetically singing some song called "Papers" as he whined about the circumstances of his divorce and now this. I figured Usher to be a classier than what we've been getting as of late. I guess we're all prone to slip sometimes. One
Editor's Note: This post is also live at Black Voices.
I have always wondered that myself. To have a guy ask me to call him Daddy is a complete turn off. I have a Daddy and I sure don't want to have thoughts of him while I am with a man. I think most men see it as a dominating word and want the power that it invokes. A Daddy is suppose to be strong, the leader, the dominant force in a family. And what role do most men want to perform---one that requires them to be strong, the leader and the dominator. When a woman finally does give in and say "Daddy" or even better "Papi", we are just stroking the male ego and further feeding ourselves into submission. I wonder if the meaning is the same when someone calls in "Mami", lol.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/
I stopped calling my own Father "daddy", and shortened it to Dad when I was like 12, so I can't understand for the life of me, why any woman would agree to calling some man "Daddy/Papi" ? ? ? I understand that we now live in an over-sexed society, but does everything have be sexualized in the modern world?
Although with some people it might indicate some deeper issues, there are literally too many examples to list of men and women singers using the words "Daddy" or "Mama" in romantic or sexual ways. Old blues and country songs are chock full of this as are quite a few tin pan alley or jazz songs. The Andrew Sisters had a song called "Beat me Daddy, Eight to the Bar".
I think it's just a shorthand way of indicating that the love, acceptance or emotion expressed is so deep and so profound that it compares to the love a parent has for a child. It doesn't necessarily have to do with perverse psychology.
Yeah, that is so weird to use that word outside of fraternal means. Who's your daddy? Not you fool
Excellent post, bro!
I liked this post! Yea I can't get with the "daddy" talk. Too creepy 4 me!!
This post was deep, I really enjoyed it.
I've always felt uncomfortable hearing the word daddy used amongst lovers..its not cute or playful in my mind...But its funny I know that I have a habit of calling or hearing the terms "pops" used with younger males relatives. I dont find it creepy at all but I wonder if thats what starts the whole "call me daddy" phenomenon in the first place...smh@me if that is indeed the root of it.
Awesome post. The term Daddy and the reason I have told women to stop when they utter it to me has two meanings. One you explained which is the Daddy issues that many women who are products of broken homes or mom-only homes bring to a relationship. The second is the Pimp game and it's fandom that has exploded over the years. Whores call their pimps daddy, it has deep, deep, deep psychological issues going along with it, so when I hear a woman call her male peer Daddy I automatically think pimping. In either account, it just isn't cool... and I'm glad you mentioned Papi too "wtf is up with that?" So many Latinas do it.
Love this post. I cannot emphasize this enough.
I only had one woman (four years ago she was 26 I am 33) who referred to me as Daddy, in bed, of all places. It turned me completely off. First thing which came to mind: I am not your daddy. I cannot and will not take care of you like your daddy did or didn't ... and I am offended if you consider me to be a Sugar Daddy.
Needless to say, our relations ended probably a few weeks later.
Usher is an entertainer. I doubt if he looks at anything past his music sales.
I like the post and the wonderment of the topic. I have also wonder why in the African-American community why does it seems to be ok to use this skewed form of the word "Daddy". It has never really jelled right with me.Although I do appreciate some of your reasons for the usage. My dad has all ways been in my life. Who on occasions I still call ... See Moredaddy! You know just typing this small comment, and thinking of MY DAD, and thinking of a man wanting or thinking it is OK for a woman who he is in a romantic relationship with calling him daddy... brings shivers to me. LOL. Yuck! You are right about a great topic to do a doc dissertation.. got me thinking
I think its purely a sexual thing that has been instigated by the porn industry. dont think its that deep. (and i grew up with my father in the house) but when during the sex act its used in the whoo whoo whoo moment (or close to the whoo whoo whoo moment) when a woman is at the most vulnerable moment and the male member is rendering her speechless the power he has at that time causes her to surrender to his power. and since master and dominator are so stiff to yell out so daddy gets it.
And the men who hear it feel its quite empowering and the women who say it are the benefactors by making their men feel empowered. the man is smiling at the end and the woman is as well. (bet u he wont stray to far either when he has his lady/lover/friend/whore to come home to but that's another post)
okay and it may be a lil sick and perverted making the act that more nasty... hey its sex and i'm sure there are people out here doing much nastier and sicker stuff like actually having sex WITH their fathers.
OMG. I LOLed for real at that Lequitta "Who's your daddy? Not you fool"
I hate that song. it creeps me out. Maybe if I never had a father growing up, it wouldn't, but it's nasty to me. THEN to say, let's play? I'm sorry. What next? Pig tails?
-T